16 days to when I’m 64……..

When I get older losing my hair
Many years from now
Will you still be sending me a Valentine
Birthday greetings, bottle of wine?

So I did have a lot of hair a long time ago…and all the same colour.

I won’t lie, I’m as depressed as hell….my usual fall back position of that deep dark place.

Is it bipolar? Who knows? I just ever so often jump off of the deep end..and here I am….

I had an amazing day Wednesday…the group run, the Candy Cane Lane run…yesterday, a really feeling good 6K mid-day run..a good pace…and then, well, how I felt earlier this week, last week, Sunday morning…..

Yeah, if Sunday was an atomic bomb of depression going off, today was even more fall out…..

Some was okay…..more Christmas shopping done, some sweet items checked off of the list, created a pretty amazing family dinner if I do say so myself…..and now, watching Avatar…well, because!

I keep setting my alarm to wake up early, get my ass out for an early run…set an example, and to, well, pump myself up……but, so far, I just turn that alarm off, roll over, and back to sleep….and sleep and sleep….and figure out ways to make myself even more depressed.

This isn’t something new..I’ve screwed myself up like this my whole life…I can never find anything good about myself…a self esteem thing? ……and even when things are going good, I find amazing ways to make things go south…and well, burn bridges, give up, stop doing things that give me that happy feet feeling…

I have no idea how this story tale ends…..at some point something good will happen, I’ll start moving in a new direction…..and well, will wait for that to end to.

This weekend’s plan is two runs, a few friendly get togethers…….how’s that going to turn out….probably the way it always does…me rolling over and going back to sleep..

One thought on “16 days to when I’m 64……..

  1. I used to have mood swings like that. After many, many years of therapy I’m a lot more level. I still get down, but it’s not as deep and doesn’t last very long. I’ve also found that keeping a gratitude journal has helped. Each night I write down three things that I’m grateful for. Hang in there!

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