Four years ago, on November 25th 2019, I fell on the back of my head.
I’ve told this story before, and probably often. I was out for a run, on my own, with no ID, didn’t tell anyone where I was headed, I slipped, figured out later that I’d knocked myself out, ended up with a concussion and a fracured skull…..
I wasn’t doing all that great before that, but since…..I notice a lot of things.
If you follow my blog, or anything I write, I have to re-read and re-read a lot because I miss things…words, my spelling isn’t the great …… I notice that more and more…..is that a result?
The crack did heal, but….well, what about what’s on the inside?
The original CT scan said that there was no damage to my brain, no leak of spinal fluid…but still I wonder.
I do have headaches, wake up with them, throughout the day at times…
I’ve never been the most gregarious person around, but lately I feel stuck….social anxiety?…..but so often my couch, my TV, this lap top have become my best friends……I like being out and about, but getting out the door to do that takes almost a super human effort now……
I’ve given up running. I just cannot get my butt out the door on a regular basis….so, yeah, December, I’m walking away from being active……..giving up the fight…..
For me right now it seems to be the season to be miserable…..
This blog was supposed to be all about me getting back to being me….I’m not sure what that is anymore……
Yesterday was a good day….but too rare…I’m missing too many days. I’ll take a 3 day break and then I do a stupid 12K……thinking that makes up for the 3 days of watching TV, and using house and yard work as an excuse to not train.
I don’t know why the hiccup happens. I’ll have a steady and great 5 days, and then, well, something happens….I find lots of excuses.
I know I’ve gotta see my MD. There are a few issues, and I’m not sure actually what they are…I keep saying allergies, then it was all the smoke from forest fires in the air, then the heat……I just feel tired and worn out too often…I usually feel better after a ride or a run or a swim, but even then….yesterday’s run was good, my pace was okay, and it was 12K, that’s good….but I had to break it up into intervals, 10 and 1s…and I was a little distracted.
I ran along our river valley, a few days ago a 14 year old boy was swept away by that North Saskatchewan River and hasn’t been seen yet….so yep, I kept my eyes on that river…the current in that river is deceptive, it’s wide, it’s shallow hear the shore, but it can get deep, and it’s spring so a lot of things flowing in it…why someone wouldn’t be aware of that before swimming in it….at some point I’m guessing he will be found, but until then, you always want to look and see….
I noticed breathing being an issue on my bike last week…a ride that was a bit hard, but at one point I did feel light headed and busy trying to catch my breath….my heart rate didn’t skyrocket….but what’s causing that?
The next few weeks will be a all about me…dentist, eyes checked, and yes a doctor’s visit…I keep thinking running more, training more, exercising more will help….deeper breaths…..but maybe not..
I never like asking others for help, but well, I need to, or should…..
I want to run that half marathon at the end of August…will my health let me do that…and then a full at the end of October……..sae question…can I fix myself.
It’s weird too, I know this sounds gross, but I seem to have a lot of snot in me…phlegm? So, yeah, need to check all of that out….I keep wondering if I caught something while my dad was in the hospital?
This video, Mind over Marathon keeps inspiring me…yes, even though I’m sitting on the couch watching it..
Do I suffer from depression? I think I do……I have a lot of lows, and to be honest, never really happy…I can’t remember being happy for a significant amount of time…so perhaps….so maybe aiming at a marathon again (it’s been 8 years..I used to do one a year) will help with that.
Tonight’s Run Club night……hope we have a huge group. I need that, and always look forward to that…..to run…
Do I write lines over and over again? I will wake up and run..no matter what?
I’m going to make the attempt, that’s the goal right now, anyway…..wake up, grab something to eat and drink really quickly, drive th Devon (43 kilometres away) a 36 minute drive depending on traffic…..I need to be at that parking lot by 9 to run at 10AM….a whole 8K on single track…with lots and lots of people
it be nice to get a few race bibs before the year’s end, there’s not that many events left, and not much of a year left……….
I have been struggling for so long….let’s say 12 years, it’s like a phobia, I like racing, I like events, I like running, but getting out of bed to attend one seems to be more of the challenge that the actual event.
In the mornings, it just seems a problem of getting up, waking up, and just going……I should be able to hop out, ready to go, I used to be able to do that…and now, not….
Sleeping enough? Over sleeping?…What the hell is it?
Confidence?…..I’m not going to win anything, I know I can complete the distances..I know what needs to be done…….and I know, I know, why not just start, even if I suck?
Do I need to set an example?….What;s expected of me?……
Seriosly, I just want to see old friends, and as part of getting back to where I was, I just need to do this?
Make a start….take a step……..get this done.
This year, 2023, has not been great…an 8K run, and a 10K……..that’s it…working one race, volunteering at another………..will that be it?…….
I guess I will see what happens when the alarm clock wakes me up, if it does…
The plan is to dirty the new Saucony Peregrines, do I wear the Brooks tights or shorts?…..probably tights, a the long sleeve………..my lucky cap?………..socks? not sure yet…packing hydration…..I guess I’ll need something warm for afters, and hopefully there’s a lot of coffee after………I just better just remember to show up…
I don’t know why this has hit me hard today, or maybe I do.
One of my co-workers commited suicide earlier this year, someone I hired when I was the boss falla.
When I learned of his passing, yes, sad, terrible, a young man, the world ahead of him, but, yeah, fentanyl.
I’d heard he suffered from depression, I know he gave up his career as an EMT, he found it just too stressful, and he relocated from Vancouver to Edmonton to start again, and was having trouble finding his place in the world….was struggling, but always seemed so positive, and supportive. An upbeat guy…..you never know?
we all have those days right? But is it depression? Depression I think is something that is so misunderstood, mental health, some people show distain for the terms, some believe it’s all fake, and people should just toughen up…..but that ignores the reality.
I remember someone I once ran with occasionally explaining that to me……it’s not just being depressed and something that could be helped with a cup of tea, a warm bath……it’s lying in bed unable to move or brush their teeth for days…..or maybe not that, maybe everything on the outside everything looks great, while underneath, the world is falling apart…….
I don’t know answers, but, support, encouraging people to engage….reach out, and watch out for each other.
In the case of Travis, was there anything anyone could have done? There’s a song I’ve always loved, but the words, I wish there was something we could have done, hit hard…….
And, we all have those moments right? It may be hard to understand how we turn that around, and how hard it must be for those that can’t, that deep dark hole……
I know, I understand that the head is a series of connections, synapses that even science doesn’t entirely understand, a mind, consciousness…how is it some have hope, and some don’t……what is hopelessness? Why do seemingless the well-off people fall to this, while those that you’d think would, homeless? don’t?
After 4 pretty active days, today feels like a rest day…….plan for dinner, blog, watching the news from England…God Save the Queen……..
Yesterday evening was another amazing day…..topped off with a great evening run….I feel good, if tired, and am thinking random thoughts….I did have plans to run, strength train, maybe bike…I may just plan dinner, maybe run later this evening, or maybe tomorrow evening…..
I do understand schedules, training plans, I also understand me, my age, and my goals……recovery and rest…..diet, and life. I had planned on stairs or hill repeats today, but, well, even after yesterday’s 5K, I knew today, I needed a good night’s sleep……and today, get ready for Friday and the weekend.
so for this weekend, aiming at the half marathon on the 9th of October
Friday
Strength training in AM 5K run evening
And selling shoes in-between
Saturday
Run Club Run another 5K ish A short bike ride
Introducing some to the joys of run club….and just riding for fun
Sunday
16 to 18K training
Long effortless distance run
I am stupid tired, and restless right now….so that’s a huge part of the process…otherwise, I have nothing really planned today……maybe a shower, and shopping…
This is what I do…I initiate?….After Wednesday’s run in the sun
we started talking about bike riding; the enxt I knew I was planning a bike ride for some of us, well, this morning…mapping out a route, figuring who in the group was capable of what, that comfort zone, and riding….always looking over my shoulder to make sure all we’re still there, and figuring out the route as we went along.
sorry..no pix from today’s ride….there was some rain, and I hate taking photos with this IPhone. i like having the phone with me just in case…but I like the good old hand held camera that I can take a pix with one hand quickly…..wish the apple was like that..too many steps everytime you need to catch something quickly, and not really hand held friendly…I’m terrified of dropping the thing.
The ride was a pretty simple 31K….and the rain stayed away for most of it…we all got soaked at the end, and the one person in the group said she enjoyed the ride….I was worried about her on the huge downhill, and then the few up hills, but she was fine….
I promised them a 16K run tomorrow…hope they all understand the long effortless distance thing, otherwise I may be dead……
So, today’s to do list, map out 16K……should be fun, and hopefully we have a large group tomorrow.
It’s interesting that people look to me to do this…seriously, where would they run if I wasn’t drawing this stuff all out?………it’s always, ‘Warren, where do we turn, where are we, where are we going, warren I thought you said it was 10K?’….but I guess it’s what I do….
I have to admit that I’m tired…really bone weary tired today, it’s been a busy few weeks…….I’ve been sleeping well, no headaches, so the concussion maybe history?….and I don’t think I’ve over trained…..I’ve taken a step away from my Foundations in Fitness training with Alberta Fitness…….may start up and get my act together in September (which is like a week away) and put in a serious daily effort…there’s so much to learn, I’m just not sure which is relevant to where I am and want to be…I just want to put that certified word after my name…..but well, an effort is an effort, I’ve learned so much so far (I now know what all those joints, muscle groups and ligaments are supposed to do….)…..
I’ve actually had a few frustraiting weeks/months…getting the run groups built up, figuring how to get people into them, and letting others know we have them……and to figure out how to attract people….I have had moments of maybe giving up…depression is me……but, well, a man must carry on, and quiting, giving up isn’t me, way too often I just load myself up with even more to keep me invested and active…..
and it all gets me out of the house………..wonder if that’s the point?
This was my morning….and am now listening to Sheryl Crowe sing ‘if it makes you happy’ right now, and this so did!…once it got going, it was a happy morning 🙂
But if you could have heard what was going on in my head at 7AM this morning – or pretty much all night long – that wasn’t happy….I was pretty depressed about everything and anything…the SVAC Run club isn’t going all that great (maybe it’ll get better..soon?), I’m not really happy about that, well, yeah, and then well, the Wednesday evening run club is going okay, but not as great as I think it should be (I have high expectations)
(no, I have no idea what Dave’s up to?)……I know, it’s a start, but I wanna see a huge crowd?…why, because?….Run Clubs should be huge….25 people and up…I know, it’s just a starting point, but, well, time to put heads together, thrash some ideas around and see what works?
There’s a few other things going on….so, yeah, a few doubts…..I know I have a lot of things weighing me down, my shoulders are kinda wide, yeah………but yeah at 7 to about 8AM, I was well, thought maybe I should just go back to bed and sleep until noon….and forget about it?
Then, well, three showed up for a run club run…I was hoping for about 22 more, once we began though, all good…and someone new joined in!……so I guess endorphins kick in, and I’m sort of happy again…..not ecstatic, but the eternal optimist in me says, well, maybe things will be alright, maybe things will get better, I just have to work harder and be patient……and work even harder…..gotta workshop this stuff…
This is such a amazing opportunity….grateful? Yes….there’s a lot of expectations, but, with such an amazing club, I’ll do what I have to do, remain involved….share, interact, share, and keep at it…..head against the wall, that may explain my receding hairline?……. and my flat forehead….why do I always wear black?
Seriously, what do I have to bitch about..okay, I don’t bitch, I just get depressed….this past week was pretty good, so that’s good right?…ran, biked, hit the gym, an outdoor spin class, a visit into the pool..lots of outside time, so what if the 75 Day Hard has crashed, I still managed lots of training, maybe more coffee than H2O, but everything else is good….I .just finished off instructing a pretty awesome Virtual 5K Clinic with an amazing group of people from Vancouver to PEI to Peru, am now getting ready for the next, a 10K in a couple of weeks…..I’ve 3 run club runs every week…..so all good, I just wish better right? They should be great…..and honestly, I like where I am more often than the other thing….so many positives, I just need more people…..
so, thinking, over the rainbow…everything will be alright Bob Marley….better days are ahead, the morning after….and as Ted Danson/Mayday Malone said at the of Cheers, I’m the luckiest SOB that’s ever lived, maybe I should just be thankful for that…..making memories…every day is a new day…...think a happy thought?
So next week..which begins tomorrow, hopefully is more of the same and the journey continues….
3 run clubs…..a shift at the good old RRoom…..there should be a swim or two, and at least one morning on the bike, and maybe a few spin classes……so busy busy
Maybe instead of whining, just being grateful for what I’ve got should be what goes through my head every evening and the first thing every morning..
yeah, it’s Sunday, I skipped another long run (or am skipping) and just feel like nothing….it’s sunny, it’s a beautiful day outside, it looks warm, but, my head is saying….let’s just watch TV, the news, yay the Olympics and maybe the Super Bowl……but, not feeling good, positive or happy.
I guess Monday’s going to become my long run day……..I keep trying to find things to boost my morning enthusiasm, this post concussion syndrome doesn’t help……..I’m reading, watching, listening, everything…I just signed up for a short race next Sunday, because?……..but the get up and go, even though I have no problem trying to encourage others, I just feel down and out…….
Is it age, is it life, winter? life…….having the goal of a half marathon in 77 days is kind of exciting…..Vancouver, my idea of heaven
where I’m staying is where I’ve wanted to forever…..I’m looking ahead to Victoria in October, but maybe if there’s anything in Vancouver I’ll think I’d rather be there again….just because
I’ll post later today, maybe this will get better once I get outside, but right now, nothin’
This isn’t good…and I don’t know why this happens? Maybe this is what bipolar feels like..I have no idea, but as of right now, that May 1st half marathon has just left my list of goals for 2022…already.
A lot has popped up on my plate or better yet has fallen off…..hours cut back at our RRoom store – it’s odd how some weeks I’m needed to cover everything, others, well, sorry Warren we don’t need you at all .
I do have an interview aiming at a possible new opportunity tomorrow morning, organizing a Run Club at a pretty established operation here, maybe that’ll kick my ass and motivative me somehow….I do feel more than a little intimidated…..I guess I’ll try and think positive and who knws?
It’s not that I’m super busy, it’s just my get up and go has left the building……
I hope that taking this weekend right off, and just relaxing and recovering and thinking will help re-boot my head…I haven’t given away my accomodation in Vancouver….I still may go and not race?……..but the term bummed out seems appropriate.
Motivation just isn’t there…stressed, depressed, frustraited with myself and my head…..guess I’ll just spend today watching skiing on TV, looking out our front window watching the world go by, and may at some point evev brush my teeth today
