Can’t believe I’m 65 (and 33 days) and am still figuring things out, life, figuring out life, figuring out me?

Thinking through life, it’s always a challenge. …. 18 was a challenge….high school…6th grade….figuring where I fit in? and I guess that’s normal…

Now’s okay…..maybe?…..this week has been a bit about a personal melt down…( as chronicled already so I won’t dwell)

After a huge self pity party, that took up most of the week….lots of naps, waaaayyyy to much TV, missing a Wednesday evening group run club run….this morning, said F it, as soon as I woke up, a glass of water, a banana, threw the shoes on an just ran…..it still took me a while to convince myself, but, well I did a few things to convince myself….set my watch to 5 and 1s..and yeah, if after the first 5 was done, and I still felt not the greatest, I’d call it quits…..well didn’t

All was good, I took a route I’ve grown to love….a little hill, trails away from roads, from major roads…..and yeah, fun

it felt good, okay…but still can’t find why this was a challenge….I seem conflicted on whatever takes me more than 30 minutes away from home….

Not that long ago, my life was all about endurance, running through the morning fog along the Edmonton river valley, not caring about distance, as long as it was distance…..then strength training, a swim, and lunch……can I ever get back to that?

And I did stuff with people….what happened to that?

I seem to have fallen too much love with this couch,…and in front of the big screen….and I know I know it all falls on those two shoulders and that head between them……my lack of motivation…what happened to three hour bike rides…either with others or on my own….

65 has sort of had something to do with this I guess…..I’ve dug deep into the literature, and so much keeps saying to take it easy, lots of rest days…less running….intervals, cause I’m now a senior, and apparently made of glass and china?…..a lot of my friends, have stopped running altogether….what?

I don’t see many at fun runs or races, some have taken up things like canoing or kayaking…or nothing at all……so when I do get together with a group, my group…yeah I understand why I have a challenge to try and keep up…..I’m usually back or mid packer….so, frustraiting….but not many, or any in my age group..

I’ve always been a bit of a loner…like doing stuff with a lot of friends around me..surrounding me, and I’ve always been someone that like organizing and rounding everyone up…but always as a bit of an outsider and not one of the core of the group….someone once told me (an uncle) to always be an locomotive and not the caboose…and yeah Fleetwood Mac I’ve pretty much always been going my own way…and oddly enough thinking about it now, whenever I fell in with a group, some groups, hung onto some, that was usually when my life went off the rails….that may explain a reluctance to get to invloved with a crew?

I’m not really a fan of some my age…..there seems to be a lot of bitterness…my former coworkers I know get together at a local Tim Horton’s for coffee …the bitter old seniors corner….I really have no desire to get involved with that…..I just have no connection or common ground….

There’s a whole story about my life until about 44 years ago…a break I made as I move further and further away….broke off with a group of friends that I’d clung onto that pretty helped me implode my life…it wasn’t their fault, mine, I will own that…..but that move to Jasper, then to Vancouver was something that made a huge difference…..

I turned away from drinking my life away – that’s all that group seemed to do – and the road since then has been good, so when I know say like’s at least good, and I look back and at now…and what was inbetween…well, life is okay….

the years 1981 to 2012 were amazing, I could write a book…into being outside and being fit, strength training, judging bodybuilding comptitions, a ton of live music, becoming a freelance writer that got to meet some great people, and my personal heroes, made friends that I still keep contact too…then running, marathons, triathlons, bikes, swimming…..volunteering, donating time…and well, getting married to a very tollerant women (I don’t think I’m always the easiest to get along with…that going my own way thing)……..three kids, two autistic but that’s life…..and now, well, I still run, I’m a race director now (who saw that coming?)….I help set up events..I instruct run clinics and share….but I have to admit, with all that….lonely…..

I think this was 2003?……that was a huge part of my highlite reel…..good times, if I hadn’t left, would this have been my life….

Yes, I’ve great memories…..

I made this commitment before January 1st…2024 was all about reconnecting…and making new connections….

Every day is a new day. A chance to make a new start?…I’m 65, there’s more days behind than there are ahead…..I guess instead of moping, and feeling sorry for myself, or look backward…maybe it’s time to look ahead….at least as far as tomorrow?